Snacks brought into the house turn the girls into a flock of vultures. They swoop in, squabble amongst themselves, decimate and devour.
Chips are a favorite treat at our house. In fact, when my oldest daughter was little, she was discovered to have hearing problems caused by chronic ear infections. Until we got it cleared up, talking to her produced little response, but she could hear a chip bag open from three rooms away. I think the girls have chip radar, because they just seem to know when some are in the house.
My husband and I have developed a strategy. We get two bags at a time, toss one into the middle of the vultures. While they’re occupied with their feeding frenzy, open the other bag and manage to get a couple handfuls before they have time to turn on us. It usually works… except when you break protocol.
This particular time, my husband opened a large bag of Doritos while we were preparing pizza. The girls swooped in and they were each portioned a bowl full. There was another portion in the bag, which was my husbands, as I usually prefer chips to Doritos. I took a couple chips as we were working in the kitchen. Soon the pizza was slipped into the oven and we went to the living room to wait for the food. I grabbed the 2nd bag, which was regular chips.
The vultures swooped down on their dad, as he had some Doritos left. He managed to fend them off; that’s when they noticed me. I sat down and the flock congregated around me. I gave each of them a handful and told them they were done.
My middle daughter stared at me hungrily, so I picked on her by exaggerating how good they were. “Mmmm!” I had to fend them off once again, and gave them each another handful – then told them no more – they were done.
My fingers were covered in the flavoring, so I waved it in front of my middle daughter, who was still drooling over the nearly full bag. I exaggerated again as I licked off one finger. Then got the shock of my life as she grabbed my hand and yanked it towards her mouth!
I was stunned! She wasn’t kidding, my hand was about to get devoured by the rotten little vulture – suddenly turned piranha. I know I screamed as I fought to get my hand back. It’s amazing how strong teenagers get when they smell food. I fought desperately as she pulled my flavor-covered hand closer and closer to her mouth. I yelled for help from my husband, but he was calmly sitting at the table, enjoying his last few chips in peace – ignoring my plight (the jerk).
Taking advantage of the situation, the chip bag was confiscated by the youngest daughter. My daughter and I both ended up on the floor, tussling over control of my hand. Finally, she started wearing out and I was able to get some leverage, pulling away from the tooth-lined threat.
As soon as I could manage, I licked the flavoring from my fingers. As soon as I did, the threat dissipated and my hand was released. Mortified, I scrambled away from the girl-turned-beast.
Even though she didn’t win, she was very pleased with herself. As for me, I will definitely think twice before tormenting a teenager with food… next time, I might lose a hand.
